Pam had always secretly wanted to and now — she finally did. After all these years of meditating to find her center and watching PBS and carrying The New Yorker tote bag across Central Park while feeding the pigeons organic bird seed, she gave up. She gave the tote bag and yoga mat to a homeless couple. She shed her conscience and stuck her in head in the sand. She was halfway to China but then she stopped. Communism was one step too far in the grief cycle. It was likely to make her too hot, sending her back on the path of awareness and objection to cool on the alluvial surface. She had to stop seeking denial for her own sake. Too much and she might reach rock bottom causing a seismic shift in plate tectonics, a revelation in her own consciousness, transferring her to another uncontrollable state. It turned out to be a lot more work than she thought to ignore everything except denial, and stay stuck between the igneous and metamorphic cycles of emotions. She did this because she could not afford to go on vacation. She did this because even if she could afford a sunburn and beaded cane rows in her hair, she would have no one to go with. She was going to see sand one way or another. Though the question has to be asked. Can you really enjoy sand when you stick your eyeballs in it? That might be the worst way to see it. And vacation, though expensive, may walk the same trail of reluctance toward reality, but with the added benefit of actually enjoying of the sand. Anyway, Pam could not afford to visit Jamaica this year or ever, so here she is with her head in the sand.
Sometimes, you wonder, after finding so many beached people plunged head long into the coastline, was it a matter of sonar? Had their conscience got confused with all the pollution of commercial shipping traffic, active sonar and the noise of frustrated desires –that it led them here? If so, they may rather deserve pity than disdain, but that is a tiresome use of anybody’s sympathy as it will never go away, not even if you try.
–Billie Magnuson, August 19, 2020